Since two weeks I’ve finished my exams and now I’m off all my study-duties and I feel a kind of good but at the same time I can sense something is wrong with me. It’s not due to the fact that I’ve finished, it is more or less the perspective of being free. But free for what? Am I free for my own choice? Do I have the opportunity to live like I want now? Or do I have to follow the way of so many other people that had to make this decision before? One thing is for real: I’ve decided to wait another year for whatever will come. I’m not sure what will reach me but I will hopefully find out what I actually want for my life. It’s a weird feeling not to know exactly what one would like to do with his or her life. Since I’ve been 9 or 10 I have known what I wanted to achieve in my life and for sure all my dreams and aims changed with the surroundings and were reviewed. But now everything seems to be so useless. Nothing is left to do. Only the bearable thing called the JOB is helping to survive but should that be life until its final days? Is there nothing more than this? Is there anything one can do without feeling guilty for some reason? I mean are there ideas of life without living the life that supposed to be ours? (…)
I’m in a dark deep and maybe dangerous hole which cannot be detected by my soul and which certainly cannot be repaired right now. This hole seems to get permanent and somehow concrete without being distinguishable. Right now no one can do something against it. It’s there and it’s broadening and expanding with every minute that is not preoccupied by some studies. And as much as I work the more it will darken … until there is nothing left – nothing left to say.
Am I strong enough to be different? Am I different? Or does everybody think he or she is different from the others to feel superior in their life? Is it manlike to feel this way or is it only inside of me? How many people think they are different by birth? Or is this feeling acquired by the circumstances and living conditions of each child? Are there answers? Or is everything an already walked path?
Nothing to say … nothing left…?
