Why do I doubt?

… and now the time has come. I got the things that I was dreaming of and I have started preparing my other, dreamlike but hopefully new life. I was going abroad once before, actually two years ago, but this time it seems to be completely different. I will leave for more than twelve months, I will leave to a different country for almost a decade of my lifetime. I begin to ask myself if it is really the right decision. Shall I really follow my dreams? Do I have the strength to do it? I start doubting the things I was fighting for the last two years. Why do I doubt now? (…)

 

I work, I don’t like it that much but it is more fun than I thought in the beginning and it brings the money to pay the rent and the other expenses. I got used to this life and I’m wondering if I should stay here. But what could I earn from this life? Nothing. It won’t change and I can’t imagine to live like that for my whole life and the most unimaginable thing is to live here. Stay here where nothing will be different. I grew up here and I know that the city changes each year its appearance but deep inside it will be the same city that I have lived in since I have been born. Sure there was a lot of history going on the last 16 years but it is not primarily my own. I only depend on it like all the others depend on their home country. I know I should acknowledge my birth city more but I simply can’t. I love it here and I would always come back to this city whenever it will be the time but right now I really want a change and this is unmistakably connected with going abroad. So, there is no other solution or is there one? No, I have to go and I will go whatever will happen.

But still there is a tiny little incredulously sign inside of me …