I feel like writing but every time I begin to think nothing will come out. I would like to write about the stuff that happened this week but nothing is there that can be expressed adequate. (…)
Actually, it was too much and I can’t process these things completely. I feel bad for some one and I feel sorry for this one. And at the same time I have to realize that I can’t do anything for this person.
My thoughts are jumping. I think about stopping to proceed with the application for the PhD in the US. I’m thinking about my life. Again. I’m thinking about this person’s life and I can’t do anything. I think to stop maybe everything that I wanted to do. I want to be simple. I want to be as normal as possible; everything that this person might want right now. But then I open my eyes and I see that this person is gone since months and I won’t be able to keep up anymore. I already changed too much. It hurt too deeply and I can’t go back. I wish I could. I want to help. Now, as a friend. I’m over my feelings. And the thing that hurts most, is to accept that it is really over. I waited, I know it now. I waited to be there, to be the aid that this person might need, to be the lover again. But I can’t anymore. I know it would be wrong. For me and for the other.
I saw too many similarities. Nothing was unique. Everything is the same. The person is the same. And I know I can’t help. No changes.
Too many changes for me. Surviving and living and conceiving that the life has to go on. ON???
What I’m doing right now? I try to deal with my feelings toward this person and everything is a big melted soup in a big big pot with a small small handle that I’m going to take and I will pour me out finally . Differently and maybe all wounds closed.
I love and hate Berlin simultaneously. It is my beloved not really remembered childhood, it is my adolescence with so many up and downs and it is my present life which overbid the up and downs. Every time you know something is good but you can’t really enjoy it because you are aware of that around the previous corner will wait the next task you have to manage. Either way. Good or bad. Nothing is stable and nothing will be ever be the same again. Nothing.
I feel like writing…
